Bullying is an abuse of power that makes someone feel small. It can happen at school, on the playground and online. Sometimes it draws an audience of onlookers who may or may not stand up for the victim.
Bullying was once considered an acceptable, even appropriate, part of growing up. Now education and prevention campaigns urge young people to call out intentionally abusive behavior and insist that adults intervene to protect victims.
Yet, no matter how much we talk about and better understand bullying, myths and misconceptions still make it harder for young people to identify that behavior in their own lives and experiences.
A new comprehensive report published last week by the National Academy of Sciences focuses on how to reduce bullying behavior while also challenging common assumptions about its definition and who does it.
Here are four bullying myths worth busting:
1. Bullying happens over and over.
The traditional definition of bullying has focused on repetitive behavior around actions like physical assault, verbal attacks, destruction of property, rumor-mongering and social exclusion.
Some young people might not count any of those things in isolation as bullying, but perhaps an out-of-the-ordinary and unfortunate scenario.
The rise of cyberbullying, though, has caused researchers to focus on how a single instance of harmful behavior can be bullying. When, for example, an explicit photo or cruel message is shared once digitally or on the Internet, where countless people can view and re-share it, the victim may feel just like someone who is being taunted at school every day.
"It can still be the same incident, but the fact that it can span out and into so many different audiences that almost creates its own sense of traditional [repetition]," says Catherine Bradshaw, a developmental psychologist and associate dean for research and faculty development at the University of Virginia who served on the NAS report committee.
2. The bullied and the bully are never the same people.
Most people believe that bullies and the bullied aren't the same individuals, but Bradshaw says that's a misunderstanding. In fact, one "subtype" is the "victim-bully" who is both a target and perpetrator of abusive behavior.
Since bullying is about power — losing and gaining it — it makes sense that someone who has been shamed or attacked might find ways to restore their sense of control by identifying another person's weakness and exploiting it.
3. The bully is always the popular kid.
While it's true that bullies often wield social influence — think Mean Girls — the cliché of the popular perpetrator is out of date.
Bradshaw says the Internet has allowed people with unconventional power, such as the ability to manipulate digital tools and social platforms, to target peers who would on the surface appear to have greater social dominance.
4. You can become a part of bullying even if that's not your intention.
Most bullying incidents are witnessed by someone, and that can make for a complicated dynamic online. Sharing or forwarding digital content that bullies, says Bradshaw, makes the sender complicit in the original aggressive and abusive behavior.
Even if the intent is to alert others, sharing an instance of cyberbullying contributes to the repetitive nature of someone else's victimization. The better option is to discuss it verbally or report it to a trusted adult or authority. (Click the following links to find community and reporting guidelines for Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr).
No matter how young people experience bullying, Bradshaw wants them to know, and believes they deserve to hear, that such treatment isn't appropriate. She also urges them to seek the guidance and comfort of friends; a supportive network can prevent people from thinking the worst about themselves.
"We need dispel the myth of, 'Everybody has seen this, everybody hates me,'" says Bradshaw. "That's not true."
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